connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
