Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Randomize
