4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
