textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
