I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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