I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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