He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
