You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
