wrigley field is MILF paradise
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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