I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
