she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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