I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
