Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
