What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
