The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
