Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
What drink are we having for lunch?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
