I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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