I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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