my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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