Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
