Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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