Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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