found the other keg... it's in the tree
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
