Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
