i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
