She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I love you. Go after that dick
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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