We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I think I just shit out all my problems.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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