Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
