When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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