SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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