i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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