I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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