We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
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