i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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