i love accidental penises.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
