I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
