Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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