oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
