i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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