so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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