You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize