omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
