I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
being pregnant is like rehab
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
