One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
