Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
