Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
How external is "for external use only"?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
