i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
