Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Found the puke drawer
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
