Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
