I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
