Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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