I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
