she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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