...so i touched it.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize