I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
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