So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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