Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize